Joy ones. Not sad ones.

Last night Colby turned on a Christmas movie. Miracle on 24th st? Right in the middle he asks what I'm thinking, too tired to be witty, I tell him the truth. The music coming from the speakers makes me feel out of place. I should be in a dental chair, mouth wide and eyes watering. Possibly trying to answer questions that need more than a head nod but finding my mouth full of dental tools and big hands and becoming disappointed because I have a really good story to share and by the time we're done the only thing I've been able to share is the I'd love to come back in 6 months instead of two weeks and sure 9 am will work again.
I felt just a little stupid when Colby started to answer. He was thinking about where our lives were a year ago. Neither one of us could have predicted the last year. Colb held me as the tears came. He didn't tell me everything is fine or different or that he was here now. He let me catch my breath and then he wiped my tears. He asked if I was ok and I told him they were tears of joy. Words can't explain where I was a year ago.
I was 12 days from ending my marriage that I had fought so hard for. I was packing for a family vacation that I wanted and needed so badly. I was the only one in my 'family' that wanted it. I wrapped my own presents, wishing for a Christmas Miracle that would super glue my marriage back together. I had zero Christmas spirit. Christmas Cards from other people kept me sane, reminding me that maybe someday I could have a real marriage with lots of words like 'ours, we, and us' and less words like 'yours, mine, his, and hers'. I put up 'our' Christmas tree and decorated the house. I was more excited to have another day gone and done rather than celebrate the holiday.
So here I am. Closer to the Lord than I have ever been. Happier than I could ever imagine. I still struggle every day, some days are worse than others but I couldn't be more grateful for my trials than I am today. (of course I can't predict tomorrow.. :) ) I know that Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy. I still have the same family but we're closer this year. I owe a good 94% of my sanity to them.
Colby and I laughed as we talked about timing and the sense of humor the Lord is sure to have. Reasons this year is different for me.
*I could care less about what is under the tree with my name it.
*Christmas is finally about Jesus Christ.
*My family is spending the entire holiday together and everyone wants it.
*I hate being cold still but the snow means another season and more time I get to spend getting to know Colby Carter.
*I'm planning a marriage instead of a wedding.
*I'm happy with who I am and where I am going.

I wish Christmas was 800 days long. I don't want it to come because then it will be over.