Apology*

You know that feeling you get when you realized you've been lied to? The feeling that is mixed with so many emotions it hurts to even think about? I've had that a lot in the last year and sometimes it still creeps up on me when I think about apologies and forgiveness. It has recently come to my attention that for a long time, I've been mad at the wrong person, I've been mad at somebody for reasons that make my stomach turn.. I hate this feeling. I once had days when I screamed and yelled and fought for things I thought I wanted, things I thought were sure to get better and when they didn't, I walked away feeling like a failure, like I could do nothing right. I blamed this failure on a lot of things and a few people but mostly myself. I've never worked so hard at something in my entire life and I've never experienced a bigger heartache. For days, weeks, and months, I wondered why I had to go through this trial and I couldn't help but wonder what life would be like without something so painful. Could I learn the lessons another way or perhaps not learn them at all?
Just a few days after I moved home I went back to my old house to get a few more things and decided I wanted to talk about the situation. It ended a lot differently than I had planned but it felt good and I knew it was all part of the process. I remember distinctly so many little things from this conversation. I remember pleading for change but not for myself. I cried and begged for the next girls sake, I didn't want anyone else to have to be in my shoes, walking away with a broken heart and a million questions.
In that conversation I blamed someone who was nothing but a good friend, a family a member, and big part of our lives but I wasn't mad at them because of things I had seen but things that I had been told. I wish every single day to take so many words back. What I would give to hug this person and tell them I'm sorry... But no matter what I say or do, nothing can take back the anger and the negative feelings I had for them.
Getting a divorce was hard but nothing compares to the emotion that comes over me when I realize I was wrong and I went about it all wrong and another person was probably hurt by the way things used to be. I highly doubt I'll ever get the chance to apologize to this person and even if I do, my words can't say it all.
Someday I hope I can forgive myself for believing someone else' lies, I also hope this person can face their own lies and take responsibility. It's crazy to think that somebody was hurt because of someone else' words and lack of maturity.