January 13, 2014
It's been a 5 whole years since I used the word divorce, packed my bags, and moved back to my Mom's house.
This last Sunday in Young Women's, my advisor gave an incredible lesson on knowing our Heavenly Father. She asked us for a time when we have felt the closest to him and I didn't hesitate. I let the girls take their turn answering and then I shared an experience that seems to come up a lot more often than I'd like. *I am in no way shape or form proud to be a divorcee. However, I learned more through that trying experience than I could have possibly learned in a lifetime, truly. I'm proud of the woman that I have chosen to become through the experience and I honestly have zero regrets.
I remember walking into my Mom's house, suitcase and dog in hand and being grateful for the smell and the immediate comfort. I've always felt a sense of security in that house and although this experience was a little different, the security was more present than ever.
My Mom could see the panic starting to set in and she offered to say a prayer with me. As soon as we knelt, I felt the Lord wrap his arms around me. This was where I was supposed to be, this was home. As the days came and went the panic would set in, only in the evening. It was when I found myself with more time to think (and wonder).
I distinctly remember night 3. I found myself questioning everything. What have I done? What if this is my only chance to be a wife? Or a mother? What if I could have kept it all together? What if I had tried harder? What could I have done different? Was it too late to go back? Was it worth going back? Did I want to go back? I was hysterical. Sobbing, thrashing, out of breath, puffy-eyed, sick to my stomach - had I given up to easily? My nurse of a Mom slipped me half of a lorazepam (anxiety medicine) and within 30 minutes, I was feeling it. That was good stuff! As soon as I caught my breath, I knew for certain that I wasn't going back and that was just fine with me.
Sometimes this trial still creeps on me and I'm flooded with emotion. I think sometimes the Lord likes to remind me what life used to be like so that I will take more time to appreciate each day.
A LOT has happened in 5 years. I've apologized to my family for the nightmare of a daughter, sister, and aunt that I was towards the end - I'll continue to do so for forever. I was so mean.
I met (reunited) with Colby and a year later, our request was granted to be married and sealed for time and all eternity. We bought a home. We welcomed our sweet Finn into our lives. Everyday we take the time to express our love and gratitude to one another. Our little dude is our highlight and we can't get enough of him.
You guys, I'm not kidding when I say that life is fantastic, not perfect but fantastic.
I am beyond grateful for trials that make us better people and help us become closer to our Savior and the love that he has for us. I know that he is aware of me and that he knows me by name.
I love second chances - Being a wife and a Mom to my two handsome boys that love me for me is something worth fighting for, even when we don't know what we're up against.